Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
