he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
