I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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