you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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