Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My pussy is not your playground.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS