I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
only if we run a train.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.