i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
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Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And then my night got REAL pukey