I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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