Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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