covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize