3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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