Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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