ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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