I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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