my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
