HIV tests are more positive than that guy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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