halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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