I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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