You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
