I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
