You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.