Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.