i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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