So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
