The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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