Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
