I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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