I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
