I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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