I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
