ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
