i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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