i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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