hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
