Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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