I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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