Me. At least after what I've been through.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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