is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
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I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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