My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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