I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
