Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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