When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
