I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
