She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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