I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
