Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
