the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
