He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
