I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
