hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
