So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
