Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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