I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
