Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
