I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
