My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would ride that face into the sunset
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
