If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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