can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
