fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
